You know what I'm fucking sick of?
I'm fucking sick of massive corporations asking me to consider the environment. Asking me to consider the environment when all they are in a position to consider is the view right up their own crap-caked, hypocritical arseholes.
Sometimes, it's little more than patronising. To whit, exhibit A:
(I don't know how big that little tree image is — probably only a few bytes, sure — but I've received plenty of emails in which it is probably the largest component of the entire message in terms of space. I'd love for somebody, somewhere, to work out how much global bandwidth is being taken up by people's email clients downloading that fucking image of a tree. Because bandwidth has an environmental cost too, remember?)
But the tree example doesn't really bother me too much. It's condescending, sure. But if I was enraged at every instance of corporate condescension that marred my life, I'd be an angry, angry man.
(And you know what? I'm actually sunny as fuck.)
No. The company that's really given me a hernia in the arse over this greenbilge shite is Royal Bank of Scotland.
Yes, Royal Bank of Scotland.
Actually stands for 'Really Big Shit'. That's what the logo's a picture of. Four arrows pointing towards big clump of turd.
But wait, please. Don't all come flocking to RBS's defence just yet. I know they're a popular brand — a beloved national institution. But hear me out as I bravely reveal the tawdry hypocrisy beneath their saintly exterior.
The thing? Paperless banking.
'Say goodbye to wasted paper, wasted energy and wasted space,' proclaims the RBS website, in a tone not dissimilar (one assumes) from that with which Moses led the Israelites to the promised land.
For paperless banking is going to save the world. A mighty alliance of consumer and corporation, both 'doing their bit' for the environment.
Except it turns out that RBS is less doing its bit, more doing its shit. Right on your fucking doormat. And it's a putrid one.
I mean, first of all, let's think about this. In the grand scheme of things, to whom am I doing the greater favour, here? To Mother Earth, by cutting out a single printed bank statement every month? Or to Royal Bank of Scotland, by relieving them of the cost of printing, collating and posting said statement?
But I don't object to that, per se. I can dig a win-win situation.
UNLESS IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION THAT TURNS OUT TO BE A WIN-WIN-LOSE SITUATION. (And I'm the fucker who loses.)
Because sometimes, it turns out, one needs an original paper bank statement.
(When, for instance, one wishes to dump one's shit-munching bank in favour of another. Also potentially shit-munching, to be sure. But munching different shit, at least.)
For such manoeuvres, printouts of online statements (one is sternly warned) simply will not do. It's original or nothing.
And here's where our little fucking alliance with RBS is revealed for the lawn-turding piece of mockery it is. For it is at this point that we realise: we are going to have to order up those paper statements retrospectively from the bank.
And we are going to pay £5 for each fucking one.
THIS MAKES ME FUCKING LIVID.
Because I wasn't just saving the trees with you, you watery drizzle of corporate shit; I was also FUCKING SAVING YOU MONEY. And now you are CHARGING ME FOR IT.
It's like I just gave you a bottle of wine, only for you to slink behind me and ram it straight up my bum. Wide end first.
You nasty, nasty shits.
You dirty little paperless wankers.