Thursday, 20 May 2010

The Vile Bottom-Fondler (The Catalogue of Men, Part 1)

'Ay, in the catalogue ye go for men;
As hounds and greyhounds, mongrels, spaniels, curs,
Shoughs, water-rugs and demi-wolves, are clept
All by the name of dogs'
Macbeth, Act 3, Scene 1

When the Intellectual Hooligan was a lad, he possessed a number of 'Spotters' Guide' books. The Spotters' Guide to Birds of Britain, for instance, or The Spotters' Guide to Continental Electricity Pylons.

The premise of these was that one received a number of points for spotting each of the specimens catalogued within the book. The rarer the specimen, the more points one received. The single-circuit 735 kV delta pylon illustrated below, for instance, might have netted a mighty 50 points, so seldom was it liable to be spotted.

Anyhow, I always rather liked these books. But one thing always rankled: why no Spotters' Guide to Humans?

Let's redress that wrong. Henceforward, the Intellectual Hooligan presents (via a series of intermittent installments) its own Spotters' Guide - entitled (after Shakespeare, and in avoidance of copyright infringement) The Catalogue Of Men. Without ado, then, let's have our first specimen:

The Catalogue of Men

1. The Vile Bottom-Fondler

10 points

(Vile Bottom-Fondler as consummately modeled by Nick Griffin. We should note, en passant, that we have no evidence that Mr Griffin is a public bottom-fondler. For him to be such, indeed, would require the abetment of someone prepared to allow his/her bottom to come within fondle-reach – a degree of abetment the Intellectual Hooligan doubts would be forthcoming. Unless any of those meaty bodyguard-type guys he hangs about with happened to be up for it?)


The Vile Bottom-Fondler is in his late 30s to 50s. He may well have a gleaming, fully shaven head (complete with a neck-fold or two). He is very likely to offset his nude pate with an ostentatious pair of designer glasses, and may be wearing a polo shirt (also designer) with neck fully unbuttoned.

Whatever the ambient temperature, he will be sweating slightly.

Despite nostril hairs and an expression tending toward the vacant, he is not wholly an unattractive breed in terms of features alone.


You will almost exclusively encounter the VBF in a queue. He will be directly in front of you in said queue, accompanied by his mate, and you will not miss him – hence the low points score. Unlike, say, the Lesser Spotted Surreptitious Fondler, the habits and demeanour of the VBF are nothing if not conspicuous (see 'mating habits', below).


The Vile Bottom-Fondler's mating criteria are mercantile as opposed to aesthetic. For here is a man that likes to receive his pound of flesh – in easily graspable proximity.

Paired with his mate, the VBF may invite comparison with the peacock and peahen – for his chosen partner is remarkable neither for the sheen of her plumage nor the sweetness of her song.

But the VBF is not attracted by feather or voice. He is attracted by rump.

Just as the peacock unfurls his majestic tailfan, so the Bottom-Fondler indulges in his own form of courtship ritual – as eloquently described by the species' name. For details, see Methods of Fondling, below.


Interestingly, the simple under-cheek-grope motion favoured by other scions of the fondler genus is infrequently employed by the VBF. Instead, he typically prefers an action characterised by a strong thumb bias (demonstrating, to the surprise of some observers, that he does indeed possess opposable thumbs). The hand motion retains the cupped posture of the under-cheek-grope, but supplements it with a powerful (almost aggressive) lateral movement of the thumb across the expanse of his mate's quivering flesh. The motion almost calls to mind the sidelong twanging of a gigantic string on some obscene musical instrument.


Spotters should be warned that the Vile Bottom-Fondler will exhibit a defiant territorial display towards those he might perceive as a threat. The perspicuity of his perception may reasonably be questioned, as the majority of observers will harbour little to no inclination to compete with him for his mate's attention. Nevertheless, do not expect the VBF to be rational in his displays.

From your queue-bound position directly behind VBF and mate, you may (indeed, you have little choice but to) observe his overt fondling behaviour. He will make no attempt to conceal or moderate his fondles and may, in situations in which he feels particularly threatened, indulge in repeated deliberate 'strums' (as these gestures are termed by fondlerologists) whilst exhibiting a characteristic over-shoulder sneer in your direction. You are warned studiously to avoid eye contact in such instances.


Limited. Especially if you are alone whilst witnessing the VBF in action, you will have virtually no alternative but to cede your position in the queue. Strategies such as mobile-phone-checking and exaggerated skyward whistling have been shown to achieve only moderate success.

As you abandon the queue, therefore, console yourself with the thought that any establishment frequented by the VBF is unlikely to be especially desirable in any case.

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