CLIENT: Our logo is a square on top of 9 coloured circles. What we need you to do is to make a Super Awesome loading page based on that logo but more awesome.
DESIGNER: Hmm. Okay. But your logo does already have a gradient on each of the circles and a transparency effect on the square. That's quite a lot of effects already.
CLIENT: Our logo is not awesome enough. It's boring. People want logos that are more colourful and fun than this. It needs more effects. The orange and purple you have here aren't bright enough. Make them brighter. I want them to BURN MY EYES.
DESIGNER: Er ... well this is how it would look with the saturation boosted to maximum. I think it's maybe a little too ---
CLIENT: Perfect! But it needs to jump off the page more.
DESIGNER: Are you kidding?
CLIENT: I've got Photoshop, so I know the tricks. There's this awesome effect you can do where it puts a shadow underneath something. Automatically! Seriously, it's awesome. You should try it. I want to put shadows underneath the balls.
CLIENT: Yes. Balls.
DESIGNER: [wearily] Okay. There's a drop shadow.
CLIENT: No, not enough shadow! They won't notice it when it's that pale and small. The shadows should be massive. I want it to be like these balls are almost touching but simultaneously millions of miles away from one another in outer space, lit by a massive star that's almost touching them all, but at the same time just a few inches away from a totally flat slice of granite!
DESIGNER: [by now utterly resigned, demoralised] Like this?
CLIENT: Yeah! Cosmic! But I don't like that font you've used. We should change it to Arial. Arial's the most readable font.
DESIGNER: That's not entirely true ...
CLIENT: I think you'll find it is. We had a health and safety presentation and they told us it was. Anyway, just change it: I don't pay you for your opinions. Yeah, that's better. Make it yellow, because yellow text stands out the best.
DESIGNER: Not so much when it's on an orange background ...
CLIENT: Just do it. But I'm worried people won't get the name. Could we do a reflection of it in each one of the 9 balls? I think it will look more realistic that way, but simultaneously more awesome as well.
* * *
So. The above screengrab is what I see every workday when I start up the WCBS PASS database that holds our school records.
Yes, not only do I have to load Windows XP via Parallels (sufficient indignity, you might think); I also have to see this godawful polished turd of a logo. Every day.
Unfortunately, I couldn't think of any witty wordplay involving words that might rhyme with PASS – otherwise that'd've made a perfect closing line for this post.