(And you better believe it: the Intellectual Hooligan prays wild.)
'Hot damn! I wish I could get Slimmer for Summer!'
Such has been the nature of the Intellectual Hooligan's interior monologue for some time now. As anyone that knows me will doubtless attest, I desperately need to flush some flab, prune some podge, blow some blubber.
I could scarcely believe my luck, therefore, when I learnt that – with the help of kind-hearted FMCG firm Kellogg's – I could do just that.
Kellogg's could help me get the toned, beach-ready bod I've been dreaming of. All I have to do is sign up to ...
...The Special K Challenge
OH MAN I AM SO EXCITED (FTW!)
(What's FTW? Christine knows.)
So here's the deal. The Intellectual Hooligan can get himself bikinitastic in no time. He must simply observe the following dietary regime (taken from the Kellogg's website):
For 2 weeks, start the day with a delicious bowl of Special K for breakfast (choose from 10 tasty varieties!), and then enjoy a second bowl either for lunch OR your evening meal. For added variety you can top your cereal with fruit or low fat yoghurt. Don’t forget to make sure that your 3rd meal is nutritionally well balanced.
'10 tasty varieties!'? LAWKS! This just gets better. Do they do prawn cocktail?
But what about snacks? No problem! They're still allowed (FTW!) – although Kellogg's (ever-watchful, avuncular, with only dieters' best interests at heart) does sound the following note of caution:
We recommend you replace your indulgent snacks with up to 2 Special K snacks. You can also enjoy as much fruit and vegetables as you want and make sure you drink plenty of water and diluted fruit juices.
(Hmmm. Do they have Special K doughnuts?)
Anyway, we'll cross that bridge, dear readers, we'll cross that bridge.
Because, right now, I'm just astonished at the saintly altruism of Kellogg's in so selflessly crusading on behalf of the nation's health. Bless them.
Mm mm mmmm. Meal 2 looks pretty, pretty good.
Planning My Special K Diet – FTW!!!!
So it comes down to this: I have to get my (outrageously lardy) arse down to Tesco's right away to snap m'self up a box of that Spesh-K magic. Because, sure as night follows day, it's only Special K that has the power to reduce my considerable bulk.
Just imagine, for instance, if I were to pervert their Slimmer for Summer Diet Plan by replacing two meals per day with a different bowl of cereal (say, Co-op's own bran flakes). That would be no good at all. Those pounds would stubbornly refuse to shift.
I mean IT'S NOT AS IF JUST EATING ANY CEREAL FOR 66% OF MY MEALS WOULD MAKE ME LOSE WEIGHT.
Oh no indeed. It has to be Kellogg's Special K.
Otherwise they'd say so, wouldn't they?
And there's no-one I trust more than multinational fast-moving consumer goods firms.
So. Coming soon to a screen near you (quite possibly the same one you're staring at right now – unless you're some waster in an internet cafe or something (get with it, if so: internet cafes are so 90s it kills me) – THE INTELLECTUAL HOOLIGAN GETS SLIMMER FOR SUMMER.
Boy, I'm looking forward to those svelte summer months ahead ...