Saturday, 7 February 2009

The Great Global Warming Hoax!!!


In case anyone failed to notice, it snowed a fair bit, this week. I submit as proof (for you unbelievers) the photograph above.

Cue some wretched, mucus-bespattering imbecile:

'So much for global warming, eh?!'

LOL! ROFL! LMAO! M8 that is classic.

[If this were a podcast (yes, I know, perish the sodding thought), there'd be that suddenly-stopping-a-record noise at this point. As it is, you have to make do with a clumsily self-conscious bit of square-parenthesis. Sozamonia.]

So. I have enough of an issue with any gurgling prat who offers up a laughably specious 'argument' simple-minded enough to be condensable into a Sun headline. No expert, this hooligan. But if we're seeing an intellectual locking of horns between a broad global consensus of climate scientists, geological observers and research institutes on one side and, on the other, Jeremy Clarkson and a bunch of blokes called things like Howard (Canterbury) and Paul (Tumbridge-Wells) who post the same comment three or four times at the bottom of online newspaper articles, so spasmodically eager are they to share their sheep's pellets of insight with the word – well, I'm not killing myself with indecision, let's say, when it comes to taking my side.

But it goes further than this. As well as the intellectual outrage of so witless a comment as 'So much for global warming, eh?!', there is a corresponding, woundingly intense aesthetic outrage.

THAT'S NOT EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY, YOU FUCKING PILLOCK.

If remarks such as this are your idea of comic innovation and satiric wit, allow me tentatively to propose the following action on your part:

SHUT THE FUCK UP. FOR EVER.

If you are saying this kind of thing, you probably think you are a wag. You style yourself as something of a joker, right? Just as Obama was the lens through which the ennui of a world sprang into focus, you are the lightning rod that channels the wild, crackling energies of the Zeitgeist, converting them into the warm glow of popular comedy? Your mates probably bellow and snort with laughter at your humorous wordplay. Maybe your girlfriend, or wife, or mother (forgive me: I'm assuming you're male. I'm right, aren't I?) even tells you 'You're a one!'

Allow the Intellectual Hooligan to break some important news.

Your girlfriend, or wife, or mother is wrong. Not only is 'So much for global warming!' ludicrously fallacious; it is also the single most predictable 'quip'. It is the kind of thing that Gareth in The Office would find entertaining. It has about it not the faintest whiff of originality, or daring. It is leaden, dull-minded and utterly, utterly pedestrian. Comically, your failure is of an epic scale to dwarf the efforts of Virgil and Homer combined. You make man-slips-on-banana-skin look fresh.

So stop it.

Right fucking now.

6 comments:

acraig said...

So much for global warming, eh?!

Billicatons said...

ROFL

Rebecca said...

Ally, you're a one - now say you're sozamonia

Rebecca said...

...incidentally, did you know that 'sozamonia', when googled only brings up one result - and that is, (no less than), THE INTELLECTUAL HOOLIGAN himself.

Billicatons said...

Rebecca, it is tidings such as these that make my days worth living. Fuckin' AWESOME.

Anonymous said...

I bring you a special gift:
ifglobalwarmingisrealthenwhyisitcold.blogspot.com

Cheers,
some random that wandered over from the Nightshift board to look at yr synth on flickr

Related posts