Sunday, 25 May 2008

O Peterborough!

All roads lead to Peterborough. Or, at least, the A1.

To the good people of this "thriving city - a regional centre for commerce, industry, transport and leisure", I am indebted. I think the fine city of Peterborough may well be the spiritual home of intellectual hooliganism in the UK - if not worldwide.

Inexplicably, you see, I receive about five times more web traffic from Peterborough than I do from any other conurbation in the UK. (Now, if only some of those eager Peterboroughians would write some comments, I'd be truly ecstatic ...)

The Peterborough City Council website provides me with a veritable wealth of information about this enlightened urban paradise. As well as a prominent invitation to "do it online". But we'll forgive them this mild indiscretion in light of their informative - occasionally lyrical - features on "Historical Peterborough", "Peterborough in the future" and, splendidly, "Smoke free Peterborough".

That said, I have some reservations about the Council's logo - a curious graphic that puts me in mind either of an udon noodle or a hideously deformed bird - and remain still less than convinced by their 'tagline':

"Growing the right way for a bigger, better Peterborough"

This is language disturbingly redolent of that employed by the altruistic email authors who write to me so frequently with their offers of "medicaments", "girth boosts" and reliably lust-enfrenzied female companionship.

Growing the Right Way!! A Bigger, Better 'Peterborough'!!

Oh dear. This was supposed to be an ode extolling the virtues of Peterborough. Not a release of winking (yes, winking) adolescent indulgence in dubious Peterborough-warping euphemisms.


Anyhow. People of Peterborough, take this, if you please, as a 'shout out'. Respect. I love you and your smokefree city. Now, for God's sake: hit me with those comments.


Jekteir said...

I felt so bad that you had no comments that I've decided to leave one. It's not totally invalid as I will soon be moving to within a 70-mile radius of Peterborough, and that's got to count for something (what, who can say). Shout-outs and respect? Word to your mother.

Billicatons said...

Jekteir: my copious thanks. If such things were in my hands, honorary citizenship of Peterborough would instantly be bestowed upon you.

Heck, I'd make you the goddamn mayor ...

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